


What a Joki

by PenDragonInkus



Series: Avengers NINE-NINE! [2]
Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, INCENDIARY FELINES, Tony allllllways wins, die hard references AGAIN, friday night game nights at Avengers Tower, i may have forgotten a few characters, like those fainting goats, loki being... well... loki, no doughnuts this time, overexcited jake, part 2 of "Do Spiders Like Die Hard", sorry if i have, thor is a little ooc
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-04
Updated: 2019-06-04
Packaged: 2020-04-07 17:44:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,508
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19089970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PenDragonInkus/pseuds/PenDragonInkus
Summary: What starts as a leisurely game night turns into an insult war, and then a rap battle of all things at Avengers Tower.And guess what?Thor just HAD to bring Loki along...Throw in Doug Judy and the entire freaking Avengers turning up at the Nine-Nine, and you have the start of a whirlwind adventure.I think....Sit back and enjoy the ride, materinos... hopefully you can handle it. ;-)





	What a Joki

**Author's Note:**

> So, I know Thor is Out of Character, but I needed him to start the insult battle, y'see? Think of him as how he was before Thor (the movie).
> 
> Don't try and place this in any sort of timeline except perhaps, before Infinity War. xD 
> 
> Sorry it took so long for the next part, but I was finishing up school and all those good things. Exams, amirite?
> 
> Enjoy! And thanks for all the kudos from the previous fic, it inspired me to carry on. That and my kid brother.
> 
> Also, credit where credit is due: that one Tumblr post, that other Tumblr post where Clint has a nest in the "A" of "AVENGERS" and Brooklyn Nine Nine and the MCU don't belong to me. I just take them out the toybox and torture 'em a little. ;-)

What a Joki

“UNO!” Tony Stark crows as he throws down his second last card.

“Remind me again who thought of “'Super-Fri-yay Game Night'?” Clint Barton asks out of the corner of his mouth to (who else?) Natasha Romanoff who is on his left.

“He did.” she mutters mutinously as they all watch Tony slam his last card down and puff up like a peacock who got all the hens.

“No!” Peter Parker exclaims, his voice a little muffled, because try as the rest of the Avengers might, he refuses to take off the mask that goes with his costume. “I worked out the probability... I mean, Karen worked out the probability and was just... so... close.” He holds up his two remaining cards as if they all need proof. 

“Face it kid,” Tony says with a distinct tone of pride in his voice, “no one beats me!”

There's complete, angry, silence. Five and a half-plus-an-eyepatch glares meet Tony's stare. If you look hard enough Bruce was starting to go slightly green around his collar.

“Jeez guys, its just a game.” Tony mutters and gathers all the cards together as if to shuffle them and start “round two”.

“ENOUGH!” a voice booms, and they all jump and look around to find Thor standing in the doorway, holding Loki by the helmet horns in one hand and a... pack of cards in the other. “WE SHALL SETTLE THIS ONCE AND FOR ALL IN A BATTLE OF INCENDIARY FELINES!” he announces cheerfully and makes his way over to the table with Loki in tow while the remaining Avengers plus Fury stare on in shock. 

Tony swallows visibly, but Bruce, ever the curious one asks “In-Incendiary Feli-lines? Tony, you up to fry some kittens?” 

Steve Rogers visibly bristles at the idea of harm befalling innocent creatures. “Stark...” he warns ominously while all of a sudden patriotic music blares out of speakers from God-knows-where.

“Sorry.” comes a sheepish apology from Phil Coulson out of the intercom, and the music shuts off as quickly as it turns on.

Tony blinks a couple of times and clenches and unclenches the fist that has his Iron Man Suit glove on. “Uhhhh...”

“YES!” Thor replies boisterously to Bruce's question and tosses the pack of cards on the table to reveal that it's actually called...

“Oh! Exploding Kittens!” 

“IS NOT THAT WHAT I SAID?”

Tony shrugs and reaches for the cards to set up the game while Thor forcibly shoves Loki into a chair and takes one for himself. Steve, Captain Dadmerica himself, is keeping a close eye on everyone, tense and ready to smack some heads together if the situation presents itself.

“So, Thor...” Natasha queries, “How's Asgard? What brings you here?”

“ASGARD IS PROSPERING HAPPILY, THANK YOU, AND MY ADOPTED BROTHER HERE...”

Loki, during this loud explanation had removed his helmet and shook his hair out like a freaking shampoo commercial just in time for Thor to reach over with his massive, meaty paw and muss it up affectionately. Those nearby could've sworn they heard him growl. Steve tenses up even more and pulls his shield out further from under his chair.

“...IS CAUSING MISCHIEF AGAIN...”

At this there's a barely audible scoff from Thor's right and a very, very noticeable eye-roll from the Trickster god.

“...SO I THOUGHT YOU PUNY MORTALS COULD ENTERTAIN HIM!” Thor finally finishes the sentence with a big, cheesy grin.

Grumbles all around the table start up. 

Bruce Banner, of all people, cuts through the low level hubbub and replies “Never forget, the Big Green Guy kicked your brother's ass, puny god.” At the last two words, his voice takes on a timbre very similar to the Hulk's and Loki subtly shivers at the memory of being slammed into the very floor the card table is standing on. Multiple times.

Tony looks around the room. “Give me a second, I need to find the mic he just dropped.” 

“AT LEAST I DON'T BREAK OUT INTO A MONSTER WHENCE I'M ANGRY.” Thor nonchalantly replies. 

Clint snorts in reply and says “when I first saw you Mr Thunder God, you were sobbing in the mud and rain over a certain hammer that wouldn't budge because you weren't worthy.”

“At least you weren't found in ice forty years after your “death” and the first face you see is ol' Eye-Patch himself!” Steve says, trying to defuse the situation, and only making it worse.

“Excuse me.” Fury replies sassily, “at least my best friend isn't a psychopath with a tin can for an arm, thank you very much.” They could see he was repressing the urge to snap his fingers in a “Z” formation.

Natasha has pulled popcorn from out of nowhere and says “do you even have a friend, never mind a best friend?” through a mouthful of the delicious, salty, buttery treat.

Fury glares with his good eye, and that's the signal for all hell to break loose. What started out as a fun night of card games ends up being a full on insult battle, which turns into a rap contest of all things. 

This is most advantageous for Loki who disappears as soon as all eyes are on Thor standing on the table and performing a reworked version of “Slim Shady”. Where he learnt that, well.... perhaps that will be another story.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Across town from Stark/Avengers Tower, Loki reappears outside an aptly named bar called The Blue Jotun. Loki smirks. Perfect.

Pushing open the door, he glamours himself to have baseball cap instead of his helmet (but keeps the rest of his extremely dramatic green and gold outfit visible, just in case he needs to make a few people kneel) and walks into the establishment.

He stops for a second to “case the joint” as he's heard that horrible Arrow Man say.

The bar is dingy and dirty, with a tiny dance floor that's extremely packed (there's three couples shuffling around) and the strobe lights blink weakly in an erratic pattern nobody can predict.

There's a fairly well covered, dark skinned man wearing a purple suit and cerise pink bowtie winding his way through the small crowd on the minuscule dance floor and crooning about “Rosa” while he deftly picks the pockets of the couples who were desperately trying to do some sort of romantic dance move on a space the size of (no joke) a postage stamp.

Loki raises his eyebrows in appreciation (at the pickpocketing, not the hideous singing) and decides to watch, settling himself down on the grimy barstool to the right and tapping the bar counter with a long fingernail, vowing to touch the least amount of surfaces as possible.

“Wha'?” a tired looking barkeeper asks, drying out the inside of a beer mug with a dishtowel that looks like its doing more harm than good.

“...whatever doesn't go in that glass.” Loki orders in his smooth British accent with just a hint of disgust. 

The barkeep just looks at him for a good couple of seconds before lumbering off without saying a word.

The Jotun turns in his chair to carry on watching the singer and finds him only a couple of steps away. He watches as the man effortlessly steals the watch off the guy who is sitting right next to the god, but gets distracted by the sound of a shotglass being slammed down next to his elbow. Loki nods at the barkeep, who lumbers off again, and grabs the wrist of the singer as he feels him trying to find the pockets on his outfit. Joke's on him, there are none.

“Hello, there.” Loki says with an evil smile and Doug Judy visibly gulps.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

“Aaaaaaaammmmmmyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy, what's the point in being the NYPD's Superhero if there's no bad guys??” Jake Peralta complains at two PM on a Thursday afternoon after spending the entire day doing paperwork. There had been no bad guys, murders, cases, nothing. Just an old lady who'd lost her way to the “Niagra Falls, dear” which is nowhere near the Nine-Nine. 

“.....”

He looks up at the desk across from him, the desk belonging to his girlfriend Amy Santiago, who looks as if the President of the United States himself has just stepped off the elevator. “Ames?” he asks quietly, but with a tinge of worry. 

She opens and closes her mouth wordlessly and lifts a shaking finger to point at the elevator.

“What, is it Holt in a sombreroooooooo...?” he trails off as he swivels in his chair to find the entire freaking AVENGERS standing at the entrance to the bullpen. “WHAT?!” was the last thing he remembers someone screaming (it was him) before blackness overtakes his vision and he topples to the floor in an excited faint, like that one weird goat video he once saw.

“Jake. Jakey. Jake. Come back to me, Jakey.” was the next thing he hears while someone lightly slaps his face. “Jake!”

He flutters his eyes open with a groan, expecting to be in his girlfriend's lap while she weeps tears of joy that he's opened his eyes at last.

In reality, Amy was still in her chair, about the same colour to her complexion as there was on the precinct walls, and he was in... Boyle's lap?? 

“Oh thank, God!” the man exclaims in relief and pats Jake's cheek. “I thought I'd lost you there, buddy!” 

Spiderman makes a very distinct cough that sounds like “Nikolaj my ass.” 

To which Cap of course responds with “Language!”

Awkward throat clearing comes from all over the precinct, everyone feeling like they've intruded on a precious moment between the two lovers on the floor. Everyone except Amy, Hitchcock and Scully – the latter who, as usual have, no clue as to what's going on.

“Whoa!” Jake yells and sits up quickly, ignoring the wave of dizziness that crashes over him. He scoots as far away from Boyle as he can and uses the side of his desk to lean on as he stands up. 

“Peralta!” Holt exclaims, stepping out of his office, “do I need to call an ambulance?” 

“No need to Sir, I'm fi--..”

“Excellent. Sup, Fury?” The Captain asks, clearly not listening to his detective's reply, and greeting Fury in the most casual way anyone there had ever heard.

“Holtman! My brother from another mother!” Fury replies eagerly and they shake hands and do that weird half-shoulder-man-hug-thing. 

The entire precinct's jaws were on the floor. Even Hitchcock and Scully's. Even they understood the enormity of the situation.

“....am I actually seeing this?” Jake murmurs and rubs his eyes rapidly. A choked “yup” comes from Amy, and he catches movement in his peripheral vision. Gina is filming it all on her smartphone with an ecstatic smile on her face.

Holt takes his hand back and resumes his usual formal pose with hands behind his back. “What brings you here, Director Fury, Avengers?”

24 hours earlier:  
“Wait. Where's Loki gone?” 

All music stopped with a record scratch noise (Phil Coulson is a surprisingly talented D.J) and everyone looked around the room. Once it was established he wasn't in the room with them, what occurred next can only be described as a one-sided game of hide-and-seek throughout Tony's castle...I mean, Stark/Avengers Tower.

Once the Tower had been thoroughly searched (even Hawkeye's nest in the “A” of “Avengers” was tossed with much squawking from the aforementioned archer) they all congregated in the games room and wondered what they should do next.

“Should've chipped him like a dog.” Hawkeye grumbled, still stung that his nest was now destroyed.

“Hmmm.” mused Cap, ever the rational one, “I'm sure we could enlist some help from the local law enforcement.”

At this Spiderman perked up. “I know a guy! And his friend! Or lover! I'm not sure! But no judgement here!”

 

...dead silence meets his question (save for Scully and Hitchcock who are crunching through a bag of chips now and watching the whole exchange like it's a tennis match.)

Captain America replies. “We're looking for Thor's adopted brother, Loki. We believe he's gone underground somewhere because he's not showing up on any of Tony's tracking systems.”

At this, Peralta lets out a high pitched whine just a key or two lower than what dogs can hear. “Are...are you asking for our help?” he asks eagerly.

At the same time, Gina Linetti lets out an audible purr and sets her sights on Tony Stark. He catches her eye and winks. This only encourages her more.

Nick Fury rolls his good eye. “Against my better judgement.” he mutters under his breath.

“Yes, Detective, I believe we are.”

Jake turns to Amy. “We can finally ask him about his couch!”

 

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Doug Judy was terrified. Sure, he was having the time of his life, but he was terrified. This Loki guy was a loose cannon with an icy touch who could fly off the handle at any time. Which is why he sent off a text to a close friend of his for help. You could even call them best friends. He smiles to himself as the message delivers and he locks his phone. Help was on the way. Now, to hotwire this sweet Lamborghini...

“Hurry up, mortal,” Loki spits, “we have more kittens to put in trees, traffic lights to shoot and general mischievousness to uphold. Mwahahaha.”

Judy pipes up with his own “MuahahAhAhAhaaaa.”

Loki glares at him. “I'm the evil mastermind, you dolt. You're the lackey! Now, work faster!”

After credits scene:

“Guys!” Peralta yelled, “check this out!”

He was about to show them a text he'd received when his phone suddenly decided to play the Simpson's theme tune, slideshow the entirety of his album with him flexing his muscles next to a cardboard cutout of John Mclaine, with Google Images of Nakatomi Plaza liberally sprinkled throughout, and his camera's flash was busy sending out strobe lights every two seconds.

“What the hell? I was told this was an authentic iPhone that I got for twenty bucks! The battery even lasts longer than two minutes!”

“Uh, Jake, you mean its an iHpneo?” Amy asked, flipping the phone over to see the logo and getting blinded by the strobe light. “Ow, my eye.”

As one, the Avengers sighed and rolled their eyes. 

ONE HOUR LATER

“Right, my phone is under control again. I think. I hope. Okay, here we go.” Jake says uncertainly and quickly opens the message app on his phone. A text shows up on the screen saying:

N TRBLE. PLZ HLP. LVE PNTIAC BNDIT. P.S LVE U ROSA. MWAH.

It takes them all a few minutes to even try and work out the first word until Gina saunters by and effortlessly reads over Jake's shoulder.

“In trouble. Please help. Love Pontiac Bandit. P.S. Love you Rosa. Mwah.” At the “mwah” she mimes blowing a kiss at Tony who suddenly looks incredibly uncomfortable.

“Uggggghhhhhhh.” Rosa groans, but it gets drowned out by Peralta's declaration of...

“HE'S WITH DOUG JUDY!”

Avengers Nine-Nine will return.


End file.
